A Year To Remember……

Today marks a year of when my life began to change, when the light began to shine. This time last year I was celebrating my 39th birthday with a heavy heart, in a real dark hole of existence and couldn’t envision there was a way out. By a “friends” (I say it that way because that is BF who was never around and the one who just went to my exes wedding) suggestion I went to seek council with her psychologist. I remember sitting in her office telling her everything and her picking apart my life (as they do) and summed up I was in severe depression and she wanted to put me on meds. I knew I was depressed, the love of my life left me, I was left to take care of a 3 bedroom 2 story house and all its financial responsibilities. I was losing weight at a rapid pace, sleep was non-existant and hopelessness engulfed every ounce of my being. It was the weekend of my birthday I dropped to my knees in tears crying in pain and looking for my next answer. It was at that moment that I could hear my mother say go back to your faith.  A faith I didn’t have since she died I hadn’t had a moment with god since I told him to (pardon my french) “fuck off” when he called her home. I figured I had nothing to lose and went to church that Sunday and cried the whole time. As the weeks went by not that the pain just went away but with I was starting to see life in a different manor. Church from the songs sung to the people who like me had a story to tell, they too if not at that moment like myself were being saved by Jesus. My heart started to sing again and I started to see my life with purpose, for the first time I knew I was created to do something, as we all are. The clarity of departure in letting go of the “dead weight” in my life was coming to the surface. I had always thought I needed these people just to say I had people, now I knew I didn’t anyone I needed myself and god to move forward in this new life. I didn’t need the group, I just needed the select few who believed in me, my dreams and who were gonna be there when I fell. I was proud to get baptized in my faith in August of last year (I was baptized as a baby but this time it was my choice), a ritual that let me let go of all my sins and if anyone of you have been thru this you know that coming out of that water the weight on your shoulders was lifted.  Moving forward choices were going to be different, people in my life were going to be different and the purpose of my gift will be lived out.  I was finding strength and security in places I never had before. I had always thought I needed someone to be with me to try life’s experiences and for the first time packed up my life and moved to Texas all by myself. This decision was not only to start a new life in a warmer climate, I wanted to launch “Faith and Fit” in the churches, I wanted to see what the world can offer me but also with the hope that Michael may see how serious I was about my love for him. I learned so much about myself on this life adventure, here goes, God will put you places so you can rebuild, places you will never think. I had moments of total clarity in Texas just me, the sunshine and lots of self reflection. God doesn’t answer all your prayers and as my friend continues to tell me always, “he has something better in store”. Michael wouldn’t even acknowledge me when I was there, all the love I had for him and faithfulness to move to Texas meant nothing. I had to regroup again. One thing I did get to realize is that sometimes our dream we set for ourselves is so small compared to what GOD has in store for you. When I met with the church to try to launch my Faith and Fit program I was told that I needed more bible study before I can speak to people. I left there that day determined to make this program work. You know the saying that god will put people in your life for a rhythm or reason well I sure did learn this to be true. At the job I had in Texas I was telling this girl about my vision, my dream and she said to me “Why don’t you have a blog?” I had no  idea what a blog was, how to start etc, so I did my research and my Faith and Fit blog was born. See my vision was to speak to a crowd at church, god wanted me to speak to thousands of people, my blog is seen across the United States and I am able to open up the lines of communication and experience, bringing people together under our god. Such a blessing!!! Unfortunately my time in Texas was cut short and I was called to come home to Illinois again but this time WITH SO MUCH MORE APPRECIATION for everything. From my family, the cold weather the busyness of life & finding the joy in every moment.  So today I turn 40 I still feel like I’m 25 but I can finally say I am happy with the journey that brought me into this new decade. I’m gonna rock it and praise god every step for it is because of his calling that I am who I am today.