Woke up this morning in complete awe of the circumstances that not only occurred last night, but as I looked at my phone continued this very morning. The badgering, the blaming, the belittling, the bullying, the “gaslighting” was happening again. A circumstance where if they disagree with your decisions, furry is unleashed. I sat back as I have walked this path previously only to have hope and faith that this wasn’t the true self just a bad day. When my character of faith was challenged and I was told “you are lost and no one will ever want you”, that was when I knew this was a toxic unhealthy relationship for me to stay in. Any man sent by God would never say such hurtful things to someone they supposedly love. In faith we are not to point out our flaws but love one another and heal one another not intentionally hurt them. One thing I do know in finding my faith and building my relationship with my father is to know that he doesn’t always give you the things you want but rather the things you need to learn & grow from.
I speak so often to others about loving themselves: making life changes for better quality of life especially when it comes to your peace of mind. Today I chose myself, self love and mental health care over unhealthy relationships. Not everyone is made for each other BUT always wish the best for them. It’s in God’s Hands……..
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you”. –Ephesians 4:31-32
Its funny how we can not remember the bits and pieces of yesterday but the dark moments of our life shine thru like the rays from the sun. 21 years ago today I stood at the end of your hospital bed shaking with fear of the unknown and filled with rage & confusion. My whole life you taught us about God, his powers of salvation and miracles he performed. At that very moment where I stood I used everything inside of me to beg God to save you, not take you away and leave me with nothing. I couldn’t understand if there was a God why he would take you away from me when he already took my father when I was 10. All the prayers couldn’t save you that day and as the priest read you your last rights I remember screaming at him to go fuck himself and to fuck god. It was at that moment as I kissed your forehead goodbye I said I would make you proud not knowing that life would bring me full circle.
My whole life especially after my dad died my mom was my everything. I watched a woman lose her best friend and still in the midst of her storm stand tall for all of us 8 kids. She was the mom that would discipline when necessary, be my friend when I needed it and the best support team I had. She knew how to say the right things to make you laugh and then she would laugh, a laugh that was so contagious. But if I had to say the best part about my mom was her heart. Her heart was bigger than her!!! She would invite anyone to dinner even if there was already 10 to feed as she would always say “she would rob Peter to pay Paul” she would take a little off everyone’s plate to make another. She would pick up strangers in the rain and give them a ride home (crazy I know). Her love for life, living & the giving to people was so special, so rare.
As I reflect today in your honor mom not for the sadness that you left me on this very day but in the glory of what you left for me. I never understood why you were so faithful to God even thru all the trials when everyone else would of quit. Losing both your best friends, losing your son none of that steered you away from God, you knew there was purpose for it. God does nothing with out purpose! In 2017 when I was in the deepest part of depression it was you mom who steered me back to my faith. It has been that faith that has carried me strong thru all of the roller coasters my life has been on. Today as I stood in church I recalled the morning 21 years ago. Apart of me will always be broken that you are gone but I praised God today for the blessing that I had the best mom in the world to teach me so much about LIFE, LOVE, FAITH & TRUE JOY! Mom, I love you and I miss you with all my heart! LOVE YOU!!!!!
As life seems to be going so smoothly BOOM you’re standing with in a storm. And a raging one at that, you can’t seem to understand why but you just know there is a reason. As my life was becoming my own again, no longer having to work 2 jobs, having more time on my hands which should of been a blessing became more than I could handle. As I stated before time standing still meant I needed to face ME again and all the feelings I have been running from. With that became numbing myself again to avoid myself at all costs. How can this be? Everything I have been praying for a new job, more time for myself and family is suppose to be a blessing not a burden. I noticed more and more I was numbing the pain and the loneliness UNTIL my world came crashing in on me literally. The apartment I was at with all the rain we were having began to take in water, in March it was a little and my landlord was going to fix it. Come May with the storms rolling thru IL water started to pour in every where, even thru the light fixtures. In a matter of days I had mold growing, my bedroom and all its furniture ruined and my living room ceiling was starting to bubble continuously popping water everywhere. I HAD to get out and in a short time. I was able to find a cute place by my new job and as I tell you God works in mysterious ways HE TRULY DOES. My new place has a patio in which I go out and self reflect every day. Or with the trails I have now by me I walk or ride my bike to deal with my inner thoughts and find my inner peace of mind. Its hard to numb myself when I have so much beauty around to be thankful for. I am not saying by any means that I have faced ME completely but I do believe God heard my cries for help and relocated me to a place where my healing can begin again. Standing in the horrible storm for over 30 days I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel BUT ITS THERE.
SO…I ask you, are you in the middle of a storm? If so hold on there is purpose you may not understand it now, but you will.
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”
I have been thru a lot of loss in my life to know how precious time is with others. Sometimes curve balls are often thrown at you to remind you to focus on what is important, your life, your happiness, RELATIONSHIPS with others & memories made. I had the joy & honor of getting to know this funny Scottish man…Scotty. He was my counterpart at work and we had so much fun together from me cranking him pretending I was a customer to covering his desk with post-its while he was out of the office. Scotty & I would have amazing conversations about life, love and of course music. Scotty loved music since he was a teenager and played in multiple bands til today. I had just spoke to Scott a little over 2 weeks ago and we were planning not only on doing lunch with him and the old crew but he was going to let me know when he was playing closer so I can come see him. I will never forget he said ” I will let you know pal” and we said good-bye.
Little did I know that was the last goodbye I would say to him! I got the call today from an old co-worker stating that Scotty passed away last night, in total shock and awe I asked what from? Cancer she said, he didn’t want a lot of people to know. At first I was angry, why didn’t he tell me but then I remembered who HE WAS and he was quite the humble soul. So full of life and laughter I could only imagine he didn’t want his circumstance to bring others down.
Scotty…I will miss you, our talks, your laughter and your amazing personality!!!! You get to play for angels now my dear friend! Till we meet again….save the open stool for me so when I get there I can watch you play. On angels wings you fly…..miss you pal!
This was one of the many songs we always talked about, it suits you Scotty…you did it your way!!!
Taking some time today to reflect over the past couple years and recently these past couple weeks. What amazing growth and development has occurred not only in me but with my surroundings as well. Nothing has been easy and I don’t think it should ever be. The path less traveled builds, chances taken, risks ahead all can be scary but without taking any of those where would you end up? How do you ever discover your true potential, find out what your values and gifts are? We are all born with these, these are not man-made, no school can bestow these on you only God. Every choice we make, every turn we take in our journey starts to mold you piece by piece like he intended. The changes that comes your way either by choice or chance can either build you or drop you, if you fall looking up GET UP and in this time with new purpose, for he has a plan. I’ve learned in all this to be your self and TAKE CHANCES on your gifts, your talents, build your dream. If you die tomorrow can you say you lived your dream? Tried? Or have you fallen into the “THIS IS IT?” living phase. I don’t about you but I want to die knowing I touch lives, took chances, traveled, made lasting memories with family and friends but mostly knowing I lived for today, not yesterday nor tomorrow!
Are you at a place in life where you cringe every time you walk thru the door? Have the power to change it BUT stay anyway? Ask yourself this question as I did on more than one occasion ARE YOU NOT WORTH MORE TO YOURSELF? Better yet do you not believe in the gifts God gave you? You need to realize you are here for a purpose, if what you are doing does not feed your soul for joy and happiness IT’S NOT YOUR PURPOSE! See when you start to believe in your self others see you in the light you were born with.
For the first time since Brian (my mentor) passed away I stand among people who value me. See my potential and want to help me expand that, what an amazing feeling that is! I took a risk, a chance on a new beginning not knowing where it might go. But I believed I deserved better, where I was it was no longer helping me to grow and what is life with out growth?
Where are you life? Time to take a RISK? BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!!!
Today at church it was BAPTISM, if any of you have been baptized you know the glory of how it feels to burst out of the water in Newness & Life. Our pastor opened in speaking of 3 types of people in faith, the believers, the skeptics and the curious. I think at one point we all cross each of those stages. As the curious we wonder in doubt if he exists, always asking WHY & never truly understanding if he exists why does he allow things to happen. See our God is so good that he will not force any relationship with you and will stand by as you question him and he waits to show you little by little of his existence. Jeremiah 29:13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
As he begins to show you, you become skeptical asking “What if?” “What if he is real?” After Jesus’ resurrection he appeared to his friends who only needed to see him. People spoke of his resurrection and his coming back but Thomas his disciple was skeptical and in John 24:24-29 he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.”
26 A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!”27 Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”
28 Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!”
29 Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” So powerful that moment when Jesus showed himself to those who questioned. Sometimes you just need to talk to Jesus and ask him to show up and because you have opened that door I promise you he will show up. See as stated he will never force a relationship upon you but will be present when you ask. Now the believers, even as a believer you will have to be open and continue to welcome him into your heart, your life and with that he will live thru you. Its not easy but thru you others can see what he is doing and in that you become part of his welcome committee. See we cannot change others but we can change ourselves in a manner that they can see what the grace of god is doing. I share my life experiences with others so they may know that even the darkest moments you have can the light just welcome him. Today to watch those who were once curious and skeptical open their heart and minds to the wonders of Jesus became BELIEVERS. They say that thru baptism when people proclaim God the father & repent of their past the angels in heaven sing and party. Today I re-lived mine in 2017, what an amazing event to watch, brought a tear to the eye. BELIEVE, RECEIVE & BECOME!!!!!!!!
In my new journey forward as I told you in my last writing I want to shed some “Old Leather ” as Lady Gaga references in her song “Million Reasons”. I had to come to the reality that if I tell this man who has not only been one of my best friends but my lover that I could not continue to just be the friend with benefits any more he might leave forever. Even before Michael left he was there for me, a co-worker at first which molded into a friendship which turned into more. We spent every other weekend together, talking, laughing and what I felt was something amazing. I had never experienced passion like I had with him, was my heart making more than what it was? I saw him everyday and paid attention to everything about him but when it came to me and what was important, my blog for instance he never showed his interest. I could tell you how many smiles he has, when he’s stressed and when hes sad, BUT he couldn’t see ME. After awhile especially these past weeks when I reached out in distress he would respond at convenience or not at all. On Tuesday I told him I couldn’t do it anymore I fell in love with him and what I thought was something. After I hit send (yes I sent it in text) I was hoping for something a response, but I didn’t get a thing. The next day my final day to see him on the job and he didn’t look at me and never said good bye as I walked out of those doors for the last time. I worked at the gym for the last time Wednesday night as well, in between clients constantly checking my phone hoping for a response, but I got nothing. The next morning I reached out and he said that if I feel I missed out on opportunities to go find them. I poured out my heart in hopes if there was something in his heart he would say it to me , stop me from leaving! Days have gone by & I haven’t heard a thing. I know for myself I had to do something I couldn’t just be that “girl” all the time and because I fell in love with him I was not able to give others chances with me. With these new beginnings ahead of me I needed to see where I stood and I guess now I know. I cry alot and ask God to give me the strength to get thru this for his gave me the courage to stand for myself. Time heals all wounds and if its meant to be it will be.
Psalm 34:18 ‘The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit’
Its been awhile since I have written, excuses is all I can give BUT I promise you he’s been working out the kinks in my life. As many of you have witnessed by my writings I have not been consistent in my “life” patterns. 2017 was the start of my rebuild which was absolutely an amazing growth experience and then 2018 came. Once I saw Michael marry someone other than myself, remember he proclaimed he didn’t want to live with out me my world shattered. I began to numb again in so many ways from those heavy chains to the SUPER busy life where I couldn’t face ME. I was still grieving and healing and then IT all froze due to my choices to escape. I remember 2017, stripping down to the core was the scariest and I wasn’t done yet in 2018. I had just came back from Texas in hopes for new beginnings home here in IL but my new beginnings became my past all over again. As 2018 progressed into 2019 I was so tired of the chains that bound me again and the lifestyle where I was always on the run. I became very tired and weary, in these moments I was experiencing personal attacks at both jobs and life was so heavy. I knew that I needed some changes, I needed to break the chains, remember and OWN MY WORTH in order to rise above it all again. I began to surrender and prayed that he would help me see the light again. Little by little my prayers were being answered, a blessing of a new job that could satisfy my lifestyle so I only have to work one & I prayed god would break these chains that bound me to my past. In getting this job I believed in him enough to lay down my addictions and have been set free for weeks. The glory to rise again in his honor for all he did for me is more than I could have asked for. “Believe”… I tell you no matter what you’re facing talk to him, surrender and he will listen and walk with you.
I know my new journey will lead me in letting go of some that do not belong anymore in my life, some near and dear. They need to stay in what will be my past, for I need to continue to learn that some people are made for a season & some come for a lifetime, and I cannot confuse the 2. Today in mass to started to prep for Baptism next weekend, I remember my baptism and what it felt like to let it all go, to start again in his walk. I feel he has giving me another chance to start over, time to heal and time to praise. Is he giving you your second chance, maybe its your third or fourth? He never gives up on us as long as we believe in the wonders of him.
Revelation 21:4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”