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Over Come It All…….Start Again!

 

So as you can tell “life” has kept me away and by that I mean excuses: shame, failure, be-littlement. For the past month or so life has had a hold on me, “LIFE” and by that I dont mean the walk with Christ. See when there’s a window of opportunity to sneak in the enemy will prevail, making all your old habits & dysfunctions that once rained dead, return to life again but with MORE POWER! Trying to escape these chains again has been harder than  I ever imagined. But everyday they got stronger I KNEW I had to find a way somehow-someway to lay them to rest AGAIN! In reassessing my life and looking at the signs presented…see if we clearly see there are always signs for you, messages so to speak. This sermon from Pastor John Gray came across my youtube feed called ‘Cost of the Clean-up”, not only did I cry watching it but it was a reality check on ME! See we get so caught up in cleaning up things, our life ourselves that we forget we are not in charge he is, and is that we end up making a mess of our lives. Prime example I put myself out there to date again and I swear to you my best friend who walks the path told me “Girl, only god can send you whom is trully meant for you and that person to compliment the completeness you are”, well I didn’t listen. I thought I would swipe right or left to see whom was suitable and you know what NO ONE HAS BEEN, they all want the vanity of sex with out putting in the time, effort, to get to know someone before that act of passion is shared.  Besides for this problem I have been facing heavy chains, you know the ones your not good enough, you will always settle for less, you don’t deserve …yea those words. The words that once were ricocheted off me now stuck to me, where did it start and why is it still here? I know when this all started and I numbed myself to escape every part of emotion so I didn’t feel the pain, more circumstances , more numbing.  I finally… I THINK anyway have come to the reality of life again. Its not fair and IT HURTS like HELL and if we will only seek the right counsel rather than the opposite we could continue to drive forward on this path called life rather than keep rewinding, pause and continue to strive in slow motion. THE CHAINS HAVE TO BE BROKEN AGAIN….!!!  I needed to start to re-focus the lens on life, get rid of the pain, the doubt, the fear, for that only holds you. I AM MADE FOR SO MUCH MORE! I need to re group whom is in my life, do they add value or take away? Is their perspective going in the same as mine, if not they are not meant to be there? Most importantly where is my faith in all this, Isiah 54:17 states 7 No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the Lord. See being a follower of Jesus there is no tiptoe walk thru the tulips, its not easy…..I mean look at the life Jesus lead, he performed miracles only to be ridiculed, preached only to be beaten, in his final moments of his life only 3 people were present: not the lepers, the blind man, half of his apostleship but his faith in God, his belief that what he did mattered and as you see IT DID!

So in all this its not how the world sees you what circumstances are thrown your way, its how GOD SEES YOU! See you as god sees you, trust in the path that he puts in front of you, and in doubt talk to him, being caught up in the midst of anything else leads to less of what you DESERVE.

 

Surrender

This morning as I got ready for church my heart was heavy but yet ready to sing at the same time. As I analyzed on my life the past couple of days an issue that weighs heavy on my heart (& has been consuming for months) I knew I had to part ways with. Today was the day I lay this at Gods feet for it is too much for me to bear alone.

As I anticipated mass and what the sermon would be I could of never imagined it was meant for me. As the preacher spoke it was like we were having a personal conversation not that he was speaking to the whole congregation. He spoke about brokenness and the beauty in it, reminded us it’s ok to fall.  That in those moments of brokenness call on Jesus to help you, have those personal conversations with God. But the one word he said that stood out and in some fashion gave me an overwhelming sense of peace was “SURRENDER”.  See for so long starting at an early age I had to take care myself and learn about life and fight for ME. Surrendering was never part of my equation, I didn’t know how and still don’t. But when that word was said I was at peace for the first time in months it was then where I broke down & cried.  He spoke of Pslam 139: 23-24 23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.24 See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. Past couple months I have been hiding my heart and the pain, thinking I could numb with with all the “exterior” solutions but all I really needed was to surrender it!  Lastly as he closed he spoke of GRIEF (SIGH) I finally have to grieve and as stupid as it sounds for Michael left me over a year ago I still need to grieve and officially face all these emotions. I realized after the shock phase and denial I started to cover the rest of the emotions that come with letting go.  And as his life moved on with out me I let the pain of that numb me again. To walk in your truths again in an essence is scary but in knowing of your surrender feels like a resurrection again. A time to be re-born as who you are meant to be. In the closing pastor referenced Psalm 51:10  Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.  If that wasn’t the perfect ending to our personal conversation I don’t know what would be then.  (God works in mysterious ways)

God Bless!!!

One Step At A Time……

When revisiting your dreams and goals again you are forced to go thru a breakdown all over. Looking at the areas that you’ve been struggling with and finding solutions allows some negative emotion in. I feel at those moments the enemy plays in areas that you have passion for, drives your weakness’ deeper. These past couple weeks being off I self reflected a lot and have noticed that in areas I have passion for I have fallen more for the temptation in it instead of enjoying the joy in my passion.  The gym for example I promised myself that I would never get sucked back into the gym lifestyle again. Going back I was head strong and full force that my passion of training is what I strived for, helping people.  After a couple months I was finding myself living for the gym again, even when I didn’t have to work I would go rather than taking “me” time, to spend with my dogs, read, LIVE.  All I was focusing on was my look, my gains, I know in my heart its  good but its not what counts. Its like when god gave me my joy of training again, the enemy said “I Got you where I need you….let’s play.”  The gym also was full of temptation around every corner  & as I promised previously I was not going to even think about getting involved with someone from the gym, from my experience they are more self absorbed than anything. Well once again the enemy stepped and I thought I met someone genuine to the core, someone who seemed experienced many trials in life and was transitioning into a peaceful state. Um no he was a good sales man and sold me, was a learning lesson no doubt. Its in these occurrences I have learned to re-group time after time, constantly being a work in progress. That being said the most important thru all this is that in the hustle of life we maintain our relationship with God. With that we stay on course, see a little more clearly and not thru a fog. I’m done standing in the fog its time to talk to god, step out again and live.

God Bless

“ReSet” Stop Worrying & Hear God Clearly

Its been awhile I know! See I get back from Texas and although things are great …LIFE IS SUPER BUSY AGAIN. I look at that in 2 ways (1) everything I have been striving to be successful in is happening (2) I am keeping myself so busy that I am running from what’s happening in my life. I have finally taken some time off of work from both jobs to do a re-set, a re-group, something I never thought was necessary until my self discovery in Texas. I have spent the last couple days just taking life at a turtle pace and I have to tell you as nice as it is its so hard for me to do. See I’m a planner I plan everything but in planning I realized you miss to see the beauty in the uncertain sometimes, I am learning to “stop and smell the roses” as my mother used to say.  These past couple mornings while off I get to just sit on the balcony with my coffee and self reflect. Reflection of what has been going on in all avenues of my life and when did the strife for the fast lane start, see I promised myself when I was in Texas coming back I was going to start to enjoy living & LIFE! So far I have been working 2 jobs and always on the go til exhaustion. This morning I recalled when the emotional crisis kicked in and my coping mechanisms started. It was the day when Michael got married the day I saw the photos the pain of seeing that moment triggered it all. You don’t realize what you’re doing until you are engulfed again wondering how the hell did you get there? It’s been easy to fill my time with work than to sit in the emotions that weigh heavy on my heart. In walking the path of Christ I realized that Satan will hit you in the areas that matter the most to you.  With that in all the blessings that were in store for me to embrace I embraced the negative emotion that put me into overdrive. See the enemy will stop life from being fun, take away all the things God gave to you for enjoyment. The devil wants your mind, your “power” and he will keep playing til it wears you down. Your car broke down, you’ve been threatened to lose your job…the devil doesn’t want your car, he doesn’t want your job, he wants your JOY! Joy a term we discussed previously which is different than happiness, JOY is pure to the heart and soul, happiness is surface based. How many times have you let the ENEMY have your JOY? He is using what you care about so you lose your mind succumb your power to the negative. God tells us not to be distracted, we can be so caught up in the UN-promises of tomorrow that we miss the promises of today. We are looking for what could happen and not embracing what is happening, your blessings around you EVERY DAY! Although all these things I did ask god for success’ in both my full time job & my personal training  I don’t think he ever meant it to be so busy that I didn’t have time for him anymore. I was losing “my vision”, living my life out of focus see I learned having god’s word keeps everything in ‘FOCUS” & real perspective. God said if you believe in me I will give you more than you ever expected. If you focus on what I need, I will focus on what you need. I just need to slow down and enjoy what path is set forth don’t over do it, enjoy the now and not the will be for he has me! We are always trying to change the path, make decisions based on what we want and forget that our story is already written. We can’t change it we need to embrace all the emotions, moments, & memories as its happening….that is life and living! Our story has just to enfold before us and I’m excited with this “re-set” I get to enjoy some of my story.

Is it your time to RE-SET?

Facing Your Adversities

The past couple weeks I have fallen back into the same routine I promised myself I would never again. What is that you ask? Being sucked back into the my old habits, obsessing about the gym, the look, the crowd, working all these crazy hours that I start to lose myself again. I noticed that when offered a drink I just can’t have one I need to drink til I don’t remember anything the next day.  Not only that and most importantly my relationship with god was becoming non-existent. If I can make time for the gym & social events then why couldn’t I find the time for god? This morning I had a talk with god and asked him to help me find my way back to him. Help me take more time to enjoy the quality of time and life’s moments rather than working all the time. I know that there are so many things bothering me lately and with that I noticed I resort back to the comfortable rather than being uncomfortable for the next transformation. This morning at church not only did it open with my favorite song “What A Beautiful Name” (I felt that was a sign god heard me)but today’s message was about being true to god even when things seem rough and we feel he’s not there, he is. I’m learning that god is taking me down these paths for growth and development so instead of running from them with my lifestyle I need to stay calm & ride the storm. Easier said than done for sure!  I needed to remind myself of why I am here on earth and that is to serve others, so I signed up to serve at church on Sundays. I also reached out to see what groups are available to me on the days I have off so I can get more involved, stay connected to my true self and the lord.  Remember I talked previously spoke about how god will put people into your life for a reason, well every Sunday at 9:00 mass there an usher named Cathy, we tell each other how our weeks went and she came to me and said I missed ya last Sunday, you ok? I said Cathy Mothers Day is always hard for me so instead of coming to church I stayed at home and just did me, isolating myself from the world.  Cathy began to tell me that for her mother’s day her kids live in other states so she has no body and my heart sank. I had no mother and she had no kids to celebrate that day with her, she told me if I would have known you didn’t have a mom I would have invited you over. You know how Oprah has those Ah-Ha moments well that was mine, god will put people in your life that will change your perspective once again. Cathy and I exchanged numbers so we can meet for coffee and talk….he’s funny how he works?!  I took that moment at church and remembered my blog about how we need to stop and re-group every once in a while well today was my total regroup plan put into action. If many of you have fallen pick your self back up and know with him all things are possible. We are not made in the perfection of society we are made in his eyes of perfection with all our flaws and scars.

1 Peter 2:9

9 But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

God Bless

 

 

 

A Year To Remember……

Faith and Fit

Today marks a year of when my life began to change, when the light began to shine. This time last year I was celebrating my 39th birthday with a heavy heart, in a real dark hole of existence and couldn’t envision there was a way out. By a “friends” (I say it that way because that is BF who was never around and the one who just went to my exes wedding) suggestion I went to seek council with her psychologist. I remember sitting in her office telling her everything and her picking apart my life (as they do) and summed up I was in severe depression and she wanted to put me on meds. I knew I was depressed, the love of my life left me, I was left to take care of a 3 bedroom 2 story house and all its financial responsibilities. I was losing weight at…

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The Playground

Boy when they say that the devil will step in at the most opportune times, they were not kidding. Last weekend I proclaimed letting go of part of my past, a piece that held me in all my chains of addiction and pain, it was in that moment that the devil began to rise to the surface. A neighbor  I had briefly met in December, I noticed that one morning things were a little odd, his car was double parked blocking in cars in the apartment complex flashers on and his wallet was laying on the ground outside the drivers door. Being me I picked up the wallet and went to his door to see if he was ok, no answer. I needed to leave for work so I left a note to call me when he got up so I knew he was alright. Well by 12:00p.m. I heard nothing so I ventured out on my lunch break to do a “well being” check on him and as I pulled up I could see the car was still here, blinkers off this time. I knocked until he answered and he asked if I was alright, I explained the wallet and seeing his car which the battery is now dead and he proceeded to thank me. “Who does this he says, no one just checks in on someone.” I said someone who cares and would hope that one day if ever I am in the predicament will do the same. He invited me to dinner to thank me, I reiterated several times it was not necessary but he confirmed.  See as I proclaimed me letting go of the chains that bound me to my past, the enemy was going to put EVERYTHING that I have given up in my face all at once and wanted to see my response. It was at that dinner that EVERYTHING was there…..EVERYTHING. I am not going to lie everything I had been fighting for the past year, one moment and it was gone, I sinned & not in just one manor but in ALL manners. I literally with out even hesitation BROKE and gave in to my sins, after it was over I could hear the enemy laughing he won. I wasn’t strong enough to fight all the battles, here I thought I was being just by giving up that one person and the devil wanted me to be bound forever to those sins & heavy chains. This week I have been praying to God to help me overcome these battles that I have to let go AGAIN and I swear just when you think he’s not listening, he sends his signs. Today I sat in church and it was our Baptism day at Willow, a day that last year  was the day I broke all my chains literally. I remember waking up that morning and knew all the afflictions I have been bound to were going to be GONE. The old me was on its way out and the new me was quickly coming to the surface. As I watched this morning each individual take the vow and be baptized in the name of Jesus, my favorite song “What A Beautiful Name” was being sung  I could hear God say I am not bound to these chains I have already been set free. I just have to believe in him more than ever & he will help me thru.  Today was such a blessing to witness the chains breaking again and know I can do this, see ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE TO THOSE WHO BELIEVE.  I know I am not the only one who has fallen we are not bound to anything with Jesus, he sets us free……….JUST BELIEVE.

Amen to all of you and have a blessed week!!!!

The Final Piece

First off HAPPY EASTER to you and your family! Today as Christian’s we mark the day of the unbelievable miracle of the Resurrection of our dear Jesus!

As this day approached the troubles and heartaches I have been dealing with the past couple weeks rose to the surface. I have been praying for guidance and although the signs have always been there I tried to listen to what I wanted instead of what he wanted for me.  I’ve been hanging on to this person from my old life so that I could still have the comfort of familiarity & so the old me could still linger a bit.  But holding on to this meant having the constant feeling of nothingness, a feeling in my past relationships I become so familiar with. Time after time this individual would let me down, break plans or never acknowledge me as a human being, as you can imagine it plays with your entire being. Especially when you’ve invested your heart into the equation. Yesterday after the final let down I closed my eyes and prayed, if this is the final puzzle piece I have to place to completely close that chapter completely then so be it. I know there will be the pain of letting go but there is always strength to be found when done. I have gone thru worse and it is thru that, that I know I deserve to be treated better no matter what the relationship stems from.  Thank you God for the blessing that will come out of letting go! I know I may not see it but there is always purpose in your plan.

John 11:25  25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die;”

 

HAPPY EASTER